the summer's all in bloom, the summer's ending soon.

well, this long, uneventful summer is finally drawing to a close.  i honestly thought it would never end. the first couple of weeks were some dark times. elon really did become my home last year, and leaving it was so hard. and now, in two short days, i am going back home.  i love my family and friends here in joco, but it just feels so stagnant sometimes, so suffocating. one more day until everything is alive and fun again!

I finally finished camp today. i thought it would never end. it was literally the job from hell. it's not the kids that made it that way, although sometimes they made me so frustrated, it was my horrible, horrible management...who couldn't even muster up a "Bye, Bhriel! Thanks for working here all day, everyday this summer! Have fun at school, good luck!  Thanks for pouring your heart into everything you've done here! Hope you come back next year!"  Nope. actuallly, I didn't even get a goodbye.  That's what hurt the most.  I should have stormed into that office with a big "eff you."  but i somehow took the mature road out. and it's all over.

The kids tore my heart out though. they were crying, and hugging me like they would never let go!  One little girl who i just got to know last week was like "Ms. Bhriel, I just found you, and now i'll never see you again!" oh, my god i could have died.  I really did come to love them like they were my own.  It honestly felt like i had like 16 children.  I spent more time with them than their parents this summer. But it's over. and I'm so thankful.  It was really killing me slowly.

Tomorrow: Elon. Words cannot describe how excited I am.  I feel like i'm going home. I am going home.  Celeste will be there in the afternoon, and my best friend alyssa is coming down to help me with everything!  AHH!  I'm so excited!!!!!  That's about it-until next time...when I can put up pictures of my AMAZING apartment...

love.

b.

if it kills me.

jason mraz sings my life. when i listen to his music, it almost hurts. in some songs, it's because i want what he sings about, and in others it's because i know exactly what it's like. this isn't really a great post. i am ready [BEYOND ready] to get back to elon. i'm not sure what this year holds, but i know it'll be good. i have to work hard, i have to keep up with my classes, and i am going to have fun. i'm excited!

love,

b.

nyc.

I just got back from my amazing , much needed vacation. it made me realize a lot of things about myself. one of the main parts of my vacation was my cousin jocelyn's wedding. it was stressful and crazy and ridiculous, but it was beautiful and touching and an extremely happy occasion. at the end of every insane situation, i always realize how much i love and value my family. 

my cousin married a guy from another country. basically all of the guests were international...and gorgeous. and i got to see that there is so much out there. i definitely was "crushing" on someone there. it was funny though because it was one of those things where you meet someone and you know that it would never work and that you might NEVER see that person again...but it doesn't matter, you can't help but be attracted and intrigued. it was weird to because he was like 7 years older than me, but that makes so much more sense. someone who's my age is still too busy fucking around. i don't know. it was interesting. but, it's over and nothing will come of it. nice idea though.

on saturday we went into the city. i absolutely adore nyc, which is odd because i am normally such a country girl.   when i'm there i just feel like anything is possible, a thing that i forget far too often. 

it kind of inspired me to jot down a little something. which is also weird because i have basically lost all of my old creativity...

city streets.

cell phones ring, people answer 

never hesitating from the steady rhythm of their feet 

hitting the pavement.

cabbies yelling, honking, cursing

speeding, striving, never stopping

never slowing.

subways going, going, and going

the constant cadence beating, screeching

steaming, the rhythm of and underground world

always going, never ceasing.

the ghosts of the past lingering, 

fleeting images, tile walls

tainted mosaics, sad benches

dirty stairways.

Above this world, tall buildings pierce the sky

this town reeks of progress, success

glory, corruption, the future

the past.

8 million hearts-beating, breaking, basking

dreaming, dying, dreading

hoping, wishing, running.

8 million people. i'm lost in the crowd. 

and yet i love this town.

love,

b. 

also...

http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson25.html

liar, liar.

really? "sometimes i put up walls just to see who cares enough to pull them down."

what kind of bull shit is that? what about the people who cared so much, and tried so hard to pull those walls down? because as i remember it that person got thrown to the side for someone who really didn't give a fuck. as i remember it that person would have done anything for you. and everything that i did do got turned into a joke, or used against me. i'm sorry that my love wasn't good enough. i guess i hope you finally find someone who is good enough for you. but it hurts. 

and the sad thing is...i still would probably do anything for you.

b.

Liar, liar

You're such a great big liar

With the tallest tales that I have ever heard

Fire, fire

You set my soul on fire

Laughing in the corner as it burns

Right between the ribs is sinking in

Oh, the sirens sing so sweet and watched the sailors go down

Oh, you don't do me in siren song 

Yeah, anyone would drown

Anyone would drown

Sick and tired of this mad desire

Fluttering aside me like a hawk

Wire wire

Got my hands on wires

Will heaven help you when I get them out?

ready to run.

this is bullshit.

and i don't really know what to do as usual.

and it's one of those things that no one can really help with.

i guess time will help.

bye.

b.

I feel the wind blow through my hair
Im gonna be ready this time
Ill buy a ticket to anywhere
Im gonna be ready this time
You see it feels like Im starting to care
And Im going to be ready this time


Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All Im ready to do is have some fun
Whats all this talk about love?

you and me.

okay. so, yesterday whitney and i were venting. yes. i know it's something we do often.  

but basically what we came up with was this:

why on earth are we single?!  we both are passionate, hardworking, fun, not-too-shabby-looking individuals. we both know what we want in life, and we're pretty independent. we're not clingy. we're not psycho...well, not publicly so.  so, why the eff do we not have boyfriends? 

we decided. it's because boys are subconsciously intimidated by us. boys our age are just that-boys. they are still kidding around and fucking random chicks and being childish. they are still in the mindset of highschool.  whereas, we are grown up.  i know i have so many responsibilities lately that make me feel so old. i have so many worries that i just never ever had before this year. and i love them. i love the feeling of being a responsible adult. i love being trusted. i hate working, but i love the satisfaction of independence.  and maybe a guy just isn't ready for that yet.

and if a guy isn't ready for that then maybe i don't need him...

...but that doesn't make me feel any better.

love,

b.