the summer's all in bloom, the summer's ending soon.

well, this long, uneventful summer is finally drawing to a close.  i honestly thought it would never end. the first couple of weeks were some dark times. elon really did become my home last year, and leaving it was so hard. and now, in two short days, i am going back home.  i love my family and friends here in joco, but it just feels so stagnant sometimes, so suffocating. one more day until everything is alive and fun again!

I finally finished camp today. i thought it would never end. it was literally the job from hell. it's not the kids that made it that way, although sometimes they made me so frustrated, it was my horrible, horrible management...who couldn't even muster up a "Bye, Bhriel! Thanks for working here all day, everyday this summer! Have fun at school, good luck!  Thanks for pouring your heart into everything you've done here! Hope you come back next year!"  Nope. actuallly, I didn't even get a goodbye.  That's what hurt the most.  I should have stormed into that office with a big "eff you."  but i somehow took the mature road out. and it's all over.

The kids tore my heart out though. they were crying, and hugging me like they would never let go!  One little girl who i just got to know last week was like "Ms. Bhriel, I just found you, and now i'll never see you again!" oh, my god i could have died.  I really did come to love them like they were my own.  It honestly felt like i had like 16 children.  I spent more time with them than their parents this summer. But it's over. and I'm so thankful.  It was really killing me slowly.

Tomorrow: Elon. Words cannot describe how excited I am.  I feel like i'm going home. I am going home.  Celeste will be there in the afternoon, and my best friend alyssa is coming down to help me with everything!  AHH!  I'm so excited!!!!!  That's about it-until next time...when I can put up pictures of my AMAZING apartment...

love.

b.

if it kills me.

jason mraz sings my life. when i listen to his music, it almost hurts. in some songs, it's because i want what he sings about, and in others it's because i know exactly what it's like. this isn't really a great post. i am ready [BEYOND ready] to get back to elon. i'm not sure what this year holds, but i know it'll be good. i have to work hard, i have to keep up with my classes, and i am going to have fun. i'm excited!

love,

b.

nyc.

I just got back from my amazing , much needed vacation. it made me realize a lot of things about myself. one of the main parts of my vacation was my cousin jocelyn's wedding. it was stressful and crazy and ridiculous, but it was beautiful and touching and an extremely happy occasion. at the end of every insane situation, i always realize how much i love and value my family. 

my cousin married a guy from another country. basically all of the guests were international...and gorgeous. and i got to see that there is so much out there. i definitely was "crushing" on someone there. it was funny though because it was one of those things where you meet someone and you know that it would never work and that you might NEVER see that person again...but it doesn't matter, you can't help but be attracted and intrigued. it was weird to because he was like 7 years older than me, but that makes so much more sense. someone who's my age is still too busy fucking around. i don't know. it was interesting. but, it's over and nothing will come of it. nice idea though.

on saturday we went into the city. i absolutely adore nyc, which is odd because i am normally such a country girl.   when i'm there i just feel like anything is possible, a thing that i forget far too often. 

it kind of inspired me to jot down a little something. which is also weird because i have basically lost all of my old creativity...

city streets.

cell phones ring, people answer 

never hesitating from the steady rhythm of their feet 

hitting the pavement.

cabbies yelling, honking, cursing

speeding, striving, never stopping

never slowing.

subways going, going, and going

the constant cadence beating, screeching

steaming, the rhythm of and underground world

always going, never ceasing.

the ghosts of the past lingering, 

fleeting images, tile walls

tainted mosaics, sad benches

dirty stairways.

Above this world, tall buildings pierce the sky

this town reeks of progress, success

glory, corruption, the future

the past.

8 million hearts-beating, breaking, basking

dreaming, dying, dreading

hoping, wishing, running.

8 million people. i'm lost in the crowd. 

and yet i love this town.

love,

b. 

also...

http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson25.html

liar, liar.

really? "sometimes i put up walls just to see who cares enough to pull them down."

what kind of bull shit is that? what about the people who cared so much, and tried so hard to pull those walls down? because as i remember it that person got thrown to the side for someone who really didn't give a fuck. as i remember it that person would have done anything for you. and everything that i did do got turned into a joke, or used against me. i'm sorry that my love wasn't good enough. i guess i hope you finally find someone who is good enough for you. but it hurts. 

and the sad thing is...i still would probably do anything for you.

b.

Liar, liar

You're such a great big liar

With the tallest tales that I have ever heard

Fire, fire

You set my soul on fire

Laughing in the corner as it burns

Right between the ribs is sinking in

Oh, the sirens sing so sweet and watched the sailors go down

Oh, you don't do me in siren song 

Yeah, anyone would drown

Anyone would drown

Sick and tired of this mad desire

Fluttering aside me like a hawk

Wire wire

Got my hands on wires

Will heaven help you when I get them out?

ready to run.

this is bullshit.

and i don't really know what to do as usual.

and it's one of those things that no one can really help with.

i guess time will help.

bye.

b.

I feel the wind blow through my hair
Im gonna be ready this time
Ill buy a ticket to anywhere
Im gonna be ready this time
You see it feels like Im starting to care
And Im going to be ready this time


Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All Im ready to do is have some fun
Whats all this talk about love?

you and me.

okay. so, yesterday whitney and i were venting. yes. i know it's something we do often.  

but basically what we came up with was this:

why on earth are we single?!  we both are passionate, hardworking, fun, not-too-shabby-looking individuals. we both know what we want in life, and we're pretty independent. we're not clingy. we're not psycho...well, not publicly so.  so, why the eff do we not have boyfriends? 

we decided. it's because boys are subconsciously intimidated by us. boys our age are just that-boys. they are still kidding around and fucking random chicks and being childish. they are still in the mindset of highschool.  whereas, we are grown up.  i know i have so many responsibilities lately that make me feel so old. i have so many worries that i just never ever had before this year. and i love them. i love the feeling of being a responsible adult. i love being trusted. i hate working, but i love the satisfaction of independence.  and maybe a guy just isn't ready for that yet.

and if a guy isn't ready for that then maybe i don't need him...

...but that doesn't make me feel any better.

love,

b.

ahhhhhh!!!

okay. this is a different blog than i normally do butt...

RONALD WEASLEY HAS SWINE FLU!!!!!!

http://www.examiner.com/x-1994-LA-Celebrity-Headlines-Examiner~y2009m7d6-Rupert-Ron-Weasley-Grint-recovering-from-swine-flu

anddddddddddd   HP6 comes out in NINE days!!!!!!!!!!!

andddddddddddddddddd. my birthday is in 18.

anddd and and and i am going to NJ/NYC in 19!

ahhh i am so happy. [:

<3

Astonishing.

I was reading through my journal today, and I found and entry that i wrote last year entitled "to my future self."  I figured I'd share it on here.  It's kind of interesting to see how much i've changed, either for good or bad.  here it is

March 12, 2008-

To my future self: I hope you never compromised. I hope you still dream. I pray you still giggle often and imagine. Please don't grow-up. I hope you've learned from life, but tell me you still handle things with that child-like exuberance.  I hope you haven't settled for mediocrity.  Please tell me you still have crazy, all-night chick flick marathons with your best friends. I hope you haven't done anything absolutely stupid or ignorant. I hope you learn to forgive and forget.  Do you appreciate mom yet? you should, she does everything for you.  Have you fallen madly, truly, deeply, ridiculously in love yet?  I cannot wait to find out the answers, but it's scary, too."

when I read this I am not really sure how to feel. there are so many things that i feel i have failed myself, but then again, i don't think i have lived enough to answer most of those questions.  i still have time to stop in my tracks and fix things before i make any further mistakes...

i still have to see where life takes me. right now, i think i am heading in a direction that would sincerely disappoint my former self. 

happy fourth.

b.

wide open spaces.

tonight we went to watch fireworks. there is something about fireworks that always gets me. i am not sure what it is, but i can sit there in complete silence, and slight awe, while watching them. whenever i see fireworks, though, i always wish i had a significant someone to sit next to, and lean on, and cuddle with while watching the beautiful array of colors and lights that explode across the sky.  i don't know what it is. maybe it's just because it's summer, but i want a relationship. i guess i am just sick of being the friend or the hook up. i am ready to be someone's someone. i sound so gay and cliche [totally didn't mean to rhyme], but i can't help it.  all my friends are always talking about the cute things their boyfriends do, and it doesn't make me jealous, but it makes me wistful. 

well, that's my rant for today. camp is dragging on, but getting a little bit better. i mean how good can babysitting 15+ kids a day for minimum wage get? 

my family is still crazy. my friends are still wonderful. but being home is stifling. i feel so restrained and held back. i just want to get away. 

lately, i've been rediscovering my love for the dixie chicks. so good. 

i'll leave you with this. i've been listening to it on repeat the past couple of days. goodnight.

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about 
Who's never left home, who's never struck out 
To find a dream and a life of their own 
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone 

Many precede and many will follow 
A young girl's dream no longer hollow 
It takes the shape of a place out west 
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed 

She needs wide open spaces 
Room to make her big mistakes 
She needs new faces 
She knows the high stakes 

She traveled this road as a child 
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired 
But now she won't be coming back with the rest 
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test 

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!" 
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl" 
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago" 
When she stood there and let her own folks know 

love,

b.

breathe.

I booked my ticket for NJ in July!!! I am so excited. a week off of work, all in which I get to go to the beach, se my loves from elon, and go to NYC for my cousins wedding and see my family! it's going to be wonderful. i just neeed to get away from work for a bit. it's just been so stressful lately. like to the point that yesterday i went home and after the slightest arguing with my mom I started sobbing...

but i have to go...break's over.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe,

<3

cowboy, take me away.

I love being home. don't get me wrong. but I feel like i am suffocating.  i am not used to all of the rules and regulations, i am not used to being made to ask to do anything before i do it. i am not used to my parents questioning my judgement. i am getting so sick of just staying in this house. all i do is work. and come home. and occasionally hang out with a friend.  but even then my parents will be like make sure you're home by a certain time. i had more freedom in highschool. 

and my siblings are driving me up the wall!!!  they go through my stuff, and take whatever they want. they are obnoxious and annoying. i mean i love them but they are driving me crazy.

ughhhh. okay. enough venting.

i'm gonna go lay out with what's left of the sunlight. 

i cannot wait till august!

b.

collide.

summer is progressing nicely.  Camp started on thursday and i am already wiped out. i love those kids but 9 hours a day with them is a bit much. whatevs, it's all for the money.

i think i am getting a second job as a receptionist on nights and saturdays. i neeed money.

last week, jo, ginny and i all went and got henna. from a real live indian lady, in her house! i lovveee mine. it's real pretty, and way more me than a real tattoo.

i can't wait to move my stuff into my apartment this month!! meg and i are going to drive out to elon and she's going to paint a mural on my wall!! i'm basically super stoked and i'm going to have the best apartment at EU [:

speaking of elon, i missss it!!! i love being home, but i miss the atmosphere and being around my friends 24/7.  can't wait to go up to new jersey in july. shit's gonna get crazzyyyy. 

that's all for now!

congrats to all my 2009ers. i love you guys!

<3

Tidal wave.

so, I have failed miserably at blogging for the last couple of weeks.

I really wanted to do the typical "oh my god, my freshman year is over, it's time for me to reflect" post, but i guess it's a little too late for that.

I will say this for my freshman year: it was crazy and wonderful and memorable and amazing.  It had it's ups and it's downs, there were times i thought i would die from loneliness, and other times when i thought i would burst from happiness. i made amazing friends and fell harder than anticipated for a guy. but i wouldn't change it for the world. basically, it was ideal. [:

now i am home! so far, summer hasn't been too eventful. there has been barbeques, birthday parties, and lazy, lazy pool days. i'm working on my tan, and trying to make money!

last night, whitney drove me home from work, and i didn't have my key with me. for about thirty minutes we brainstormed ways to get into my rather large two story house.  in the end, we decided on a ladder, which we used to climb onto a room, and then proceeded to pry a screen out of the bathroom window...

then b.fowler came over and we finished the night with swimming, laughing, and secret telling...vodka may have been involved... [;

i love summer. ♥

"I was so damn comfortable 'til you jumped into my ocean

I may not understand you, but I'm learnin' as I go

I'm just around the corner, child

Everything's changed

I didn't see you comin', but I, I love you anyway

I wanna give you somethin' to take, to take away the pain

I'm just ripples in your ocean, you're my tidal wave"

 

blame it on the alcohol.

last night was a huge party. sig ep prep. basically a slutty school girl party. it was amazingly fun.  i went with kelsey, sarah, christine and brian. basically it was an amazing but also sloppy night. i was like bipolar. here are some pictures.

just a flick of the wrist and i am waving you goodbye.

I'm going to get over this. I will. I have to. 

It's just harder than I thought. 

I need summer, and fast.

goodnight.

b.

let go, let go.

why, why, why do we always want what we cannot have?

bhriel.

picture perfect.

So, this is kinda old, but over spring break my lovely friend christi took a little photoshoot of me just for fun.

here are some of the pictures. 

it was raining, and freezing and somehow she managed to get good shots.

anyways, no classes tomorrow! thank jesus.

night.

love, b.

warmth of the sand.

summer 2008

school's almost out.

the past couple of days have given me the summer jitters.

i feel like i have senioritis all over again. i want to feel the sand between my toes, and the sun on my back, and the wind blowing through my hair. 

i am so ready for working every day, and then being absolutely, delightfully lazy on the weekends.

i am excited about reading everything and anything...for fun!

i am ready to stay up late just to stay up late, not because i have homework to do.

and to sleep in until i want to wake up, not until my alarm clock goes off.

i love that everything is changing again. the trees are all dressed in their summer green. the bugs and butterflies and beetles are everywhere.

it's been perfectly hot out over the past 4 days. in the 80's and 90's. Everyone is in bright colors and sun dresses and bathing suits. it's fabulous.

i haven't been this happy in awhile. it's been helping me keep my mind off things that have hurt me over the past couple of weeks. 

i have had this song stuck in my head ever since it's felt like summer. it's probably on of my favorite dashboard songs.

Warmth of the Sand

Relax and stand in the warmth of the sand 
the day is long 
and here for us to take for granted. 
We find ourselves to our knees 
Water clear, a tender breeze upon our faces 
as we bask in our good graces 
Yeah, we all are golden here. 

And summer, and summer, 
where night belongs to lust and lovers. 
And summer, and summer, 
and I am here to win you over. 
You will be mine this year. 

The sun is set and the moon is high, 
The night is long and here for you and I to capture 
And flood ourselves to the gills with icey drinks 
With bolstering wills and we are braver for the moment 
Yeah, we all are golden here 

The courtyard where the garden stands, 
Behind the beach, in crystal and sands, we shed our clothes, 
And felt romantic, tinted by the moon fantastic. 
Bright and warm, and hours alone absolve us of the sins we own. 
And from one year into another I think of you when I feel summer. 

And summer, and summer, where all the girls bear olive shoulders 
And summer, and summer, where all you hope for is another 
And summer, and summer, where night belongs to lust and lovers 
And summer, and summer, and I am here to win you over 
You will be mine this year. 

summer skin.

song of the day: summer skin by death cab for cutie.

in other news. i need a new bathing suit. i found some i like on delia's website, but the one i like a lot from target and stuff, i couldn't get the pics to save to my computer.

pity.

Opinions? Comments? Concerns?

anyways, i am going outside to work on my tan.

b.p.

don't dance.

i loveeee this song.

best line, "and even if you don't dance, i've gotta get you out to take this chance."

goodnight<3

bhriel.

Naive.

Oh, how silly and naive I have been, but lesson learned and i've moved on. 

Naive is also an amazing song by the kooks.  i lovee it. I've had such an interesting week.  things have changed so much.  and I am surprised at how well i am taking it.  i am like so excited to move on. this is something that doesn't normally happen, normally i hold on to things forever, but this time i feel free, and i am so ready to have some fun.

I am copying Celeste and Alaina.

things i am looking forward to:

1. Girl Talk/Lupe Fiasco!!! 

2. Sig Ep Prep [:

3. SUMMER!! 

4. Working at Morgan's Gymnastics with my best friends!

5. The beach. <3

6. Cute bikinis!!

7. Tanlines.

8. Cookouts.

9. Late night trips to the park with the crew.

10. Getting to see my family, and spend a lot of time with my little sister and my nephew!!

11. Going to NYC, seeing family, and reuniting with my Elon loves.

12. summer lovin'

[:

That's really it. But in order to get to most of this, I have to make it through the end of this semester, exams, and freaking Teaching Fellows Discovery Week. [woof]

on the bright side, tonight=noises off, and a veronica mars date with my loverrr.

love,

bhrie bhrie.

"The voice of the sea is seductive; never ceasing, whispering, clearing, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander for a spell in the abysses of solitude; to lose itself in mazes of inward contemplation. The voice of the sea speaks to the soul. The touch of the sea is sensuous, enfolding the body in its soft, close embrace." -The Awakening, Kate Chopin

so long, so long.

Mr. Orr and Luq Boyd. Two of the funniest people i've come in contact with.  Also, two people who had a huge impact on who I have become. Thanks for the inspiration, and Luq, I miss you so much.

on monday, i wrote about luq's death.  He died on the third monday in april. but the date of his death was today, april 22.  so, this post is completely dedicated to him.

Junior year, in AP English, Luq sat across from me.  We'd make faces at each other. Mr. Orr used to say I was a jew, or should have been, because I was from NY and looked Jewish.  One time Luq passed me a note, and on the inside it said " you're a pseudojew." i thought it was pretty funny.  Another time, we had an entire hour long conversation [we were supposed to be doing a group short story] about italian food and the mafia, and all sorts of things.  

I'm not even going to lie, i had a little crush on him.  I mean, he even liked the song coin operated boy!!  But he had a girlfriend until he died.  

God, that week was the worst one of my life quite possibly.  I didn't go to school, except to go to his memorial.  The day he died i got a phone call at 6 in the morning, and 25 minutes later I was on the bus, driving on the same road that brilliant, funny, hopeful boy died on.

We miss you, Luq, so much. You have touched so many lives.  Danie used your poem in her graduation speech, you know? And in that 100 degree weather, in those heinous gowns, on one of the most important days of our lives, you were still there with us, lending us a few of your many words of wisdom.  Love you, Luq. <3

i'm gonna find a better you.

so, i decided that all of my blog titles are going to be song names. 

anyways, i've decided to catch up on my boy drama, but this is the last time i will talk and worry and bitch about boys.

well, i mentioned in my georgia entry that i had spent the weekend with the boy i was kinda feeling.  after that weekend i definitely knew that i like him. at first it was just ehh. whatever. but then, i couldn't stop thinking about him, etc. it was intense. when we got back things were completely different though. and i felt really uneasy, and knew something was up. 

well, long story short, the male race never ceases to disappoint. i knew it wouldn't end up with us together. it was too close to the end of the year, and i understood that. but according to him, this entire things was all me. that's what upset me the most i guess, that he acted like he didn't initiate anything, when he, in fact, initiated the majority of things. it hurt i guess. but i realize now that i shouldn't have expected more. once again, i have fallen heels over head for someone, and on the way down, not only did i break my ankle, but i also ruined my favorite pair of shoes.

that feels good to get off my chest.

Also, today marks the two year anniversary of Luq's death. I think about him all the time.  He was the funniest person i've known.  he was so smart. he was such a good writer, and a passionate person. i miss him. we all miss him. RIP Luq, i can't believe it's been two years.

<3

dreaming with a broken heart.

Yet another wonderful song. And yes, I am being slightly emo lately, but I have decided that Robert Frost says it best [he usually does say it best] with:

"in three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life: it goes on."

also, I haven't actually been dreaming with a broken heart, since i didn't actually sleep last night...instead i laid awake wishing both for it to be morning, and for night time to go on forever so i didn't have to get out of bed.

well, now I must go be productive with my life and tutor little children, then class, then the gym, then homework, then group project, the GOSSIP GIRL [finally!]!!!

until another time, 

b.

gravity.

I think that everyone should listen to this song. because it is amazing. that's all.

Gravity

Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

<3

georgia on my mind.

Georgia!!

Well, I'm back from Georgia. I had the most amazing time. It was an interesting trip.

The weather was beautiful.  We spent most of the day saturday laying by the pond, swimming in the pond, or riding the golf cart around the pond. It was relaxing. I loved not having a computer, or a phone for almost the whole weekend. It was just a relief, especially after two extremely stressful weeks.  I really needed it.

On Easter, the girls [Alaina, Me, and Celeste] went to church with Grandmama.  Then, we went back to her house and took cute Easter pictures.  The boys [Brian, Max, John, George, Stephen, and Jack] joined us there. We ate, played with the little cousins, drew on the driveway with chalk, the boys played four square. We also went on terrifying/amazing golf cart rides. Ah. So much fun.

The dance parties at the cabin at night were also quality. Craziness and sloppiness all around. I

don't think I've ever had that much fun at any other party.

Another high point was that I spent the weekend with the person I have really fallen for. And this weekend just made it worse/better. I've gotten to the point of butterflies, and feeling like I am going to throw up when I see him. I know he's somewhat attracted to me. I mean that much is obvious. I mean we've been hooking up for over a month. 

So, yeah, moving on.

Celeste's Grandma is the world's greatest southern cook.   And I almost stowed away there. I didn't want to come back.

But now it's back to reality.  I feel like i left the sunniness in Georgia. It's rainy and gross back at Elon. 

I can't wait to go back.

colorblind

Celeste forced me to get a blog...

I can't believe it's only tuesday, and I am ready for this week to be over.

Things have just been so hectic lately, and the miserable weather is not really helping my stressed mood at all.

Saturday and Sunday were perfection! I sat outside with celeste, jack, kelsey, sarah, alaina, and random other people for hours on end. 

So, for the past two days I've been listening to Colorblind by Counting Crows on repeat. 

It's amazing.

I guess this is what you do on a blog? I don't know. 

That's all I guess.